The Mindless Ramblings...

Aching

2006-06-09T03:53:35Z

Do you think it's possible for a place to make you ache for someone?

I do.

And I am. I ache for him and I don't know why. I ache in my body, my heart, my soul. There's no escaping him...not here...not in this place.

...why am I even telling you this? None of you even know about him....

someting like an update

2006-05-11T03:00:35Z

It's only been a few days...not even a week since I've been home and I'm ready to leave. Not that it's been entirely bad or anything, I mean it is home, so it has both this good and bad moments. It's just that being here and being so close to Stetson makes me miss everyone all the more. I feel like I should be able to call up any of my friends or sisters and be able to go watch a movie or grab some dinner anytime I want, but I can't. I miss them all like crazy. There's other things too, other personal things going on, that I thought were going to be good, but now it seems as if they are going to turn out much differently then I had originally hoped. Not to mention my cousin having surgery last Monday. She's ok now, but the recovery is hard forh her. I've been there since Saturday helping her get ready and helping her recover. I love my cousin dearly, more than anything else, but I feel as if I haven't stopped since the beginning of school. There's a part of me that feels I just keep giving and giving to everyone else and getting nothing back from them. I'm starting to get worn out. All I want to do is sleep and sleep, but responsibility and my genuinely overly compassionate heart for my family keeps me from that. I think that finally getting away and going up to Cape Cod will be a giant relief. I've never been more ready to go then I am this summer. Sure, I have to work, but there's so much more time for me, and that sounds selfish I know, but knowing that I won't get a phone call from my Dad or sister or Mom or family member to go do something for them just because they know I will....well that sounds lovely right about now.

Anyways...I miss my AXO's like crazy and I can't wait to see you all again. I love you all and everyone else. Night.

Incomplete

2006-05-02T04:18:57Z

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. And I don't know why I'm feeling it. There's an emptiness in my heart that can't seem to be filled and there's an aching in my soul that I just can't seem to shake. I try to be happy and I try to smile wide, but there's a sadness behind my eyes that no seems to notice. It's one of those feelings that make me scream out in my room to God asking why and what. Asking for forgivness for the person that I am and praying for something, anything to fill me up. He never seems to hear me though and then the tears start to fall. I pray over and over again for emotions that I feel to go away and yet He makes them stronger. I pray for peace of mind and soul and all I feel is discontent and heartbreak. I don't know how to fix this problem. I don't know what to do. Nothing and no one has been able to help to with this. Those who can, have no idea who they are and more than likely don't care one way or the other as evidence by their elusive nature. People tell me that I can express their feelings better than they can, but I find that totally impossible since I can't even seem to express my own without fumbling over sentances or bursting into tears. Just once in my life, I wish to feel complete. I wish to feel the love of family, friends and romance all at once. I wish to feel proud of the work that I do in school, and most importantly I wish to feel the grace of God and his love that I so desperately long for and pray for. Complete...something I'll never be.

Kisses

2006-04-29T01:59:20Z

01. [x] on the cheek.
02. [x] on the lips.
03. [x] on their hands.
04. [x] in my room.
05. [x] in their room.
06. [x] the opposite sex.
07. [] of the same sex.
08. [x] a little bit younger than me.
09. [x] a little older than me.
10. [x] with black hair
11. [x] with brown hair
12. [] blonde hair
13. []with red hair
14. [] with a tongue ring.
15. [x] shorter than me.
16. [x] with a lip ring.
17. [x] who I truly love/loved.
18. [x] who was drunk.
19. [] who was high.
20. [x] in the morning.
21. [x] right after waking up.
22. [x] just before bed.
23. [x] late at night.
24. [] who I had just met.
25. [] who I really didn't want to kiss.
26. [] we were just talking not dating.
27. [x] on a bed.
28. [] in a graveyard.
29. [] at school.
30. [] against a wall/fence
31. [x] in a hotel
32. [x] at the beach.
33. [] at a concert.
34. [] in a pool/hot tub
35. [x] who was/is a good friend.
36. [] in the rain/snow.
37. [x]in a car/taxi/bus.
38. [] in the movies.
39. [] in a bathroom/laundry room.
40. [x] in the dark.
41. [] on a roof top.
42. [x] under water.
43. [x]while they/you were driving
44. [] a stranger
45. [] more than one person at once.
46. [x] crying.
47. [x] goodbye forever.
48. [] when I was drunk.
49. [ ] who didn't speak english
50. [] upside down
51. [] in the shower.
52. [] in a theater
53. [] under the covers
54. [x] in the woods

29/54....so I'm not that experianced...and I'm totally ok with that...

love3luck @ 2006-04-28T01:44:00

2006-04-28T05:46:37Z

nothing seems to be going right...and I'm tired of trying. I have nothing left to give.

General Update

2006-04-26T03:27:41Z

Classes are almost over. I just finished my monster (both literally and symbolically) for good ol Mumps (IE: Lori Mumpower, the worst English teacher ever!). Very tired, stressed and just overly in a crap mood and not quite sure why. I'm ready to go up North. Ready to see the cottage, swim in the pond, make some jelly and eat a Box Lunch sandwich. I'm ready to leave all this behind for another couple months and escape to a world where I am alone with my thought and basically no people who are able to pick through my bull crap smiles and tell me to look them in the eye and say something isnt wrong when they know there is. I'm ready for that. It's time...time to go.

You Are Olive Green

You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself.
For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself.
You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you.
People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know.

What Color Green Are You?

I like olive green. It's one of my faves...and I think that this describes me pretty well.

Not Sure How to Take This...

2006-04-18T02:41:48Z

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care.
For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine.
You rather focus on what you can control - your own life.
And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

I find this very interesting. While it's true that I am constantly questioning, it's only because I don't think a person can truly believe without asking how, when or, the biggest question of them all, why. It's also true that I don't take very well to when people sell me their religion. Faith is not a product to be brought and sold from person to person. Belief and faith can come only from within a person for themselves. Trying to sell your religion to a person is one thing I truly detest. No one, weather they are Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Taoist or Jainist has the right to try and force a belief on someone. If they do, then the belief that person expresses is false. I know what I believe and just because I question God doesn't mean my faith is not as strong as those who don't.

It's been an odd night and a religious discussion came up between a couple of my friends and I. They started saying that if you question you don't believe and I HIGHLY disagree, so this little quiz kind of made me need to vent.

Ha! Strangely Correct...

2006-04-17T03:41:09Z

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart.
You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer...
And while you may be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories.
As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

this is cute and all, but I'm still in a crap mood.

A Blast from the Past

2006-04-05T06:25:40Z

I just found a story that I wrote about a year and a half ago. It's all true and tells the story of a summer spent on Cape Cod. I thought you might like to read it. It's really bad, but there are few good moments I think. I don't know how to use an LJ cut...so you're just going to have to deal with the length...sorry guys..................................................

You always hear people talk about those summers. You know the ones that change their lives forever. And you always think that those people are really full of it. They talk about their walks on the beach and holding hands, the moonlit kisses and life altering feelings. Before that summer, I was like all of you. I thought these people were sentimental idiots over exaggerating a simple fling. Now I know better. Now I am one of those idiots. That summer my life was changed forever. My life has been changed and I will never be the same.
The summer started out like usual. I went up to Wellfleet on Cape Cod where I spend the summers helping my grandmother. Generally, I work all summer and do pretty much nothing else. I know two other people. The librarian, who I talk to frequently on my trips to get books, and Daniel, another boy my age who I’ve known my whole life but I usually only spend time with maybe three times a summer. It was one of those family friendships that go back generations. Our great-grandparents knew each other and so our grandparents did and so on and so forth. Our cottages sit on the same pond and so we grew up learning how to swim together. You know, things like that. For the most part though, my summers were generally routine. That summer, things changed. I felt like something exciting was going to happen, but what I didn’t know was that it would changed my as a person forever.
Like I said, my summer started out pretty normal. My mom came up and she actually allowed me to bring a friend up, Hope. I love it up there and so it was wonderful being able to experience that with her. The very first day she came we took a walk around the pond and on the way we stopped at Daniel’s cottage. After talking for a while the three of us went back to my cottage and we played Monopoly. “No one ever beats me at Monopoly,” Daniel claimed.
“Well, I guess we’ll have to see about that now won’t we mister?” I joked.
“Try your hardest but you won’t win. I always win. That’s why nobody ever wants to play with me.”
“Maybe the reason no one wants to play with you is because you take ten years to roll the stupid dice!”
“Wait, it’s my turn?”
“Um…yea!”
“Oh, sorry.” Needless to say I beat him badly. I walked him home and on the way he kicked a little bit of water up at me. Now, I should mention that ever since I was thirteen I’ve had a crush on Daniel. I never said anything to him or course and he never showed any interest so I had left it alone for the last four years. This little splashing of the water though caught my attention. Was he interested in me, I wondered? I didn’t know so I left it alone once again.
After Hope and my mom left I had the cottage to myself for four days. It was Heaven let me tell you! Well, the second day I went over to Daniel’s cottage and stayed there for a few hours. “You know you can come over later if you want to,” he said.
“Why is it that I always have to come over here to see you? Why don’t you come see me every once in awhile? Why don’t you make the ten minute trek though the water and sand for once?”
“What? No, you should just come here.”
“No, I don’t think so. I’m gonna go now, but just know that if you want you can come over later tonight.” I left and was certainly not thinking that he would come over. After all, why would he? He’d never showed any interest in a real friendship before.
So, here it is about eight thirty in the evening. I’m in the middle of the woods with no one around me for ten acres. I’m sitting at a table by the window working on a puzzle. My hair is a total mess from swimming, I’m wearing a long chorus t-shirt from two years ago and black cotton shorts that come just above the knees. Needless to say, I looked less than fabulous when all of a sudden I hear this voice go “Hello.” Let me tell you I’ve never jumped out a chair so fast in my life. Here I am surrounded by nothing but woods and some ones says hello to me. I freaked. Daniel thought it was the funniest thing ever. He couldn’t stop laughing. So, he came inside and we started talking. It always seemed a little difficult for us to make conversation but tonight there was a different tension in the air, as if we were both expecting something to happen but unsure of what it would be. We set out to take my grandpa’s toy boy out for a spin around the pond but we were unable to find the gas. Daniel settled for reading the instruction manual. I sat down next to him and began reading as well. A little nerdy you say? Well, yes it was, but in the middle of the woods at nine at night with no TV and no computer, reading an instruction manual sounds pretty exciting don’t you think? Maybe not. So here we were, two teenagers sitting on a couch next to each other home alone reading the manual to a toy boy-sounds exciting doesn’t it? Yea well, I’m getting to the good part.
So, I started flirting with him. Not a lot a first and not very obviously but flirting nonetheless. Finally, I got up the nerve to take a pillow and put it on his lap and lay my head on it. We kept talking. Conversation seemed to be coming a lot easier than it had before. Soon, he rested his hand on my arm. I can’t even begin to describe the sensations I got from that first touch. Soon, his hand was gently running up and down my arm. As the minutes progressed I sat up and my head found his shoulder and my arm wrapped around his stomach. My hand ran up and down his side and I found his first weakness-he was ticklish! A couple of times I looked up at him and I could have sworn that he was about to kiss me but he didn’t. I was getting frustrated. I wanted to kiss him and I had a strong feeling that he wanted to kiss me. Finally, I looked up at him and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?”
“Well, were you planning on kissing me any time soon or what?”
“Uh…yea.” And with tat he leaned in and kissed me. That first kiss I will never forget. There simply are no words to describe what I was feeling.
Better than the kiss was the look on Daniel’s face when we broke away. It was utter astonishment mixed with undeniable joy. I almost had to laugh when I saw his face because here I was, waiting for this for four years, and then here’s Daniel probably never expecting something like this to happen in a million years. “Wow, that was unexpected,” he said.
“Yea, I know what you mean. Did you like it though?”
He must have liked what he felt because after a brief delay he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me again. I never wanted to let go. If I had the choice I would have frozen time and stayed in his arms forever, forsaking all other people. I know that sounds extreme, but as that point in time I had everything in the world that I had ever wanted. I always knew that I liked Daniel and that I though something could happen between us, but what I didn’t know was just how strongly I could feel about him.
When he left that night I remember holding him so tightly. I didn’t want him to go. “No, don’t go. No yet,” I said with my arms around and my head on his chest.
“I have to go. It’s already past eleven. I’ve been here for almost three hours. My mom will start wondering where I’m at.”
“Will I see you tomorrow?”
“Yes, I’ll come over in the morning before I go to work.”
“Promise?”
“Double promise” he said with a smile on his face. He promised but I was so afraid of waking up any minute and finding everything to be a dream that I clung to him tightly. He kissed me then again and repeatedly and again and then he finally left. I walked back into the house in an absolute daze. I fell asleep on the couch in the early morning hours after replaying the night in my head over and over again.
The next morning I woke up and found Daniel hovering over my face. He’d kissed me awake! After I got up things between us were a little awkward. I think that we both were wondering whether or not we wanted what happened last night to continue. I let him know that I did by going up and hugging him. He held me back in agreement and then we kissed.
He dropped me off at work and told me he’d pick me up around four thirty. I spent the rest of the day waiting for the clock to pass the time. My grammie was so oblivious to the glow around my face. She just thought it was nice that the two of us were finally becoming friends. “His grandparents and I always knew that you two could be close friends.” Close was right, just probably not the close they were talking about. When he finally showed up I nearly jumped out of my chair. I was able to restrain myself and walk to his car and got in. We spent the rest of the day together. My grandmother showed up around six and Daniel and I made plans to go somewhere around seven thirty.
When I got to his cottage he was alone. “I love this place”
“I want to burn it to the ground. I hate it!”
“But why?”
“Because I just hate being up here, being away from my friends. It sucks.”
“It’s not really that bad. I do the same thing you know.”
“Well, you’re here now which makes it OK I guess.” I went to play punch him but he grabbed my hand, pulled me towards him, wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I melted.
We ended up going to the beach that night. I remember that my hair went flying everywhere and I got very cold so Daniel took off his sweatshirt and gave it to me. He pretty much froze that night. We sat on the beach for almost an hour. It was the most cliché thing I think I’ve ever done. First of course it was the walking on the beach hand in hand as the sun was setting. I never thought people actually did that outside of movies until I did that. Then we sat on the beach and talked while we watched the stars glow like fireflies (we’re both big fans of stars). Now tell me, how much more cliché can you get? Honestly? I never thought I would be the one walking along the beach wit the sun setting holding hands with a guy.
When I got home that night I floated to my room. It was insane how incredible I felt. My grandmother woke me up the next morning telling me I must have been having a really good dream because I was smiling while I was sleeping. I smiled to myself knowing that in reality it wasn’t a dream that was making me smile- it was reality. The rest of the day I couldn’t think of anything else except for how long it was take for work to be over so that I could see Daniel. The day seemed to crawl by slower and slower. It was the longest eight hours of my life, but as soon as I saw Daniel, the minutes seemed to turn like seconds. Time had become fluid. It moved at its own will and chose to torment while he was away and tease me when he was near. I grew to hate time. I wanted it to freeze or have a rewind button that I could replay each seconds again and again.
Time could not be frozen though. So, the days passed on one to another and looking back now the time really did wash away. Two weeks was all I was given. That’s all I had with the first guy that I actually fell in love with. Crazy you call me? Think it’s impossible? Yea, I use to think so too. Now I know better. It may be rare and hard to find, but it can happen and does happen. I know now in the depths of my heart that love is real and someone can be truly happy despite what is going on the in the world around us.
Every night was truly amazing and I can remember them all so vividly still in my head. We went for ice cream a few nights before I left. There was the first time we went to Province Town. We looked through all the shops holding hands acting like we were tourists, which of course we weren’t. One night we drove up to Race Point, which is the very tip of the Cape. It was so beautiful there. The stars were shining and the breeze was cool. We sat there on the beach with the waves crashing in and the fireflies dancing around us.
Then there was the second time we went to Province Town. This time I had one of the more romantic sentimental moments. I asked him to come because I was looking a ring to buy. I wanted a clauddagh, the ring with the hands, heart and crown. When we found a shop that had them I didn’t know which one to buy so I asked Daniel which one he liked best. The one he chose was not one of my favorites. The design was much smaller and harder to see. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not but it was Daniel’s favorite and so I bought it. I put it on as soon as we left and he grabbed my hand, held it to his face and asked “Do you like it?” At first I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I honestly was sure if I liked it or not.
“I love it” I said after about two minutes. And honestly I did. I fell in love with that ring in two minutes and after two weeks I would know a greater love.
On the way home that night we stopped at Long Pond. At night the water is so captivating. The moon bounces off the water and the light from the houses reflect off the water. It’s peaceful and innocent. We parked the car and got out. We walked down the little path and sat down on the grass. He wrapped his arm around me and gently ran his hand up and down my arm. I got chills and it wasn’t just from the coolness of the air. He started kissing me and I felt something new creep inside me. Was this what I thought it was? Could it possibly be? All around me the world seemed to fade slowly away until it was just me and him. No clouds, no stars, no water, no sound. We were alone in the universe with nothing holding us back and everything urging us forward. As things seemed to progress a striking thought came into my head. I only have four days left. I pulled away not wanting to spoil a moment-a soon to be memory-of pure innocence, of unspoiled love. What love? Did I say love? Yes, I had finally admitted to myself that I was indeed falling in love with Daniel. I was falling in love with someone that I could truly never have. For a few minutes I was off in my mind wondering about what I should do. Should I end it right now? Should I leave it how it is? Or should I take this as far as it could go? I immediately threw out the first idea. There was no one way now for me just to ignore what I was feeling. I just couldn’t. Not now anyways. I decided just to let my head lead the way. When the time came I would know what to do.
The next three days went by in almost a blur. It was so long ago and our time was so short. Still, even now I remember exactly what it feels like to kiss him and I remember vividly the way my skin would become flaming cold from his touch. The chills I got sent fire into my whole body.
The last night he held me as tight as humanly possible. We were both dreading the morning. We knew that in reality what we had was over with out it ever really starting. There was a silence between us and an invisible barrier separating us. In our minds we were already separated by a thousand miles even if we were only a hand touch away on the couch. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned to him and kissed him. He grabbed me back in an urgency that I don’t think either of us had expected. We wanted-well really we needed to be as close as possible; to know that no matter how far apart we were we would always be able to feel the other’s presence when we needed to. I knew now what I should do and so I let it happen. It came naturally and that night is something that I don’t think either of us shall ever forget or regret.
Morning came and as the sun rose in the sky it faded in my heart. It was time. Time to leave behind the person I’d come to love. Daniel stopped by the morning and up in my room he merely grabbed my in his arms and held me. He held me as the tears in my eyes began to roll down my cheeks. He started kissing my forehead and I looked up into his eyes and I saw that he too had tears in them. It was the bittersweet moment of my entire life. “It will be ok, I promise. We’ll see each other next year. Don’t cry please.”
“I can’t help it. It’s just not fair. It shouldn’t be this way. I don’t want to leave.”
“I know but we can’t help that. You have to go.”
“I know and it’s breaking my heart.” He drove away that morning and I watched for as long as I could. It’s been nearly two years since that day and yet it seems like a moment ago. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about him. We talk frequently but it’s not the same. It’s hard to become so close and then be torn apart. Sometimes I allow myself to be sad but I always come out of that state happy that at least I was given the opportunity to experience love, real love, at such a young age. Love truly is the greatest gift that one can give and that one can receive.

love3luck @ 2006-03-31T19:56:00

2006-04-01T00:58:41Z

i want to be in love...

sorry guys...i just watched a sappy movie and recalling how lonely i am

an amusing thought

2006-03-27T19:40:26Z

as werid as this may sound...i've just to come to the realization that some of the guys who have had the mot effect on me, were all named Adam. i cant think of four off the top of my head and there may well be more. i just realized this since i just got off the phone with one of them who i hadnt spoken to in nearly 6 years. he was a teacher of mine in 7th grade, talk about strange. i must admit though that Adams are awesome.

blah blah blah...

2006-03-27T01:51:59Z

So basically I had the best date to a formal EVER! and everyone made sure to tell me so themselves. That was great to hear. My sisters are the best and I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! I don't know what I'd do without any single one of them. I got really sick after formal but it was all ok because my date took care of me and then my wonderful roomie as well. Still feeling pretty crappy today but I will be pulling an all nighter reading for class. It's ok though because I LOVE Crime and Punishment. It's one of my all-time favorite novels.

I posted all the formal pictures on Facebook and also some on MySpace so if you have either of those go check them out and comment please! :-D

Fun stuff

2006-03-26T21:45:28Z

Directions: Put your iTunes/Winamp/WMP/whatever on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud (or not), and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

1. How does the world see you?
Temptation

2. Will I have a happy life?
She Said Yes

3. What do my friends think of me?
Angels

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Can You Feel the Love Tonight

5. How can I make myself happy?
Born To Fly

6. What should I do with my life?
Hate Every Beautiful Day

7. Will I ever have children?
It Takes Two

8. What is some good advice for me?
Love You Out Loud

9. How will I be remembered?
Fall Into Me

10. What's my signature dancing song?
O Magnum Mysterium

11. What's my current theme song?
I Turn To You

12. What do others think is my current theme song?
If You Could Only See

13. What shall they play at my funeral?
God's Will

14. What type of women/men do I like?
Irresistible

15. How's my love life?
Unreal

16. To sum it all up:
The Story of Beauty

haha...this was fun

Faith

2006-03-18T07:54:07Z

While having a conversation with a friend tonight, the subject of faith came up. Faith is such a hard term to try and describe or understand and for someone like me, who is utterly logical, it's hard for me to grasp and even harder to understand. This though is my definition of faith. It's short and not much, but it's simple:

Faith. It's believing in something greater than yourself and giving yourself over to that Being or Higher Power. Faith is letting go of reason and leaping into the unknown. It's knowing that no matter how bad things get or how alone you think you are, there is always something on your side working in your favor and believing that everything happens for a reason. It's content in your soul that you feel when a day has gone good, or you've gotten through the bad and you're thankful for the grace you've recieved. It's believing in yourself through will of God or some other Being and knowing that you are where you are suppose to be, right now, at this moment. And it's knowing that without believing you can never be complete. Faith.

love3luck @ 2006-03-17T22:46:00

2006-03-18T03:49:49Z

One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind how great you are.

i feel....

2006-03-02T06:25:25Z

I'd like to say empty, but I don't think that's quite the right word. Maybe nothing is more appropriate. I don't really feel anything, not happiness or sadness. Not love or anger. There's just nothing. I'm hollow. I don't really know what's making me feel this way. It's just an overwhelming feeling that came over me the last couple days. I feel helpless and fragile. I don't see anyway to make the things I want happen and I don't have the strength to hold onto those dreams anymore. There's just nothing.

broken, lost, all but confused
no light to turn to
no candle lit fuse
to brighten the road
so dark, so cold

monsters inside her struggle to be freed
within her she hides them
so no one can see
the terror she is
or of what she could be

loveless and heartless,
soulless for sure
no one could love her
this she knows
for who needs the burden of her woes

a mindless update...

2006-02-26T20:44:40Z

I just got home from Daytona. Alpha Chi went out to support the walk for the fight against AIDS. It was nice, although I was extremely tired, but I was able to hang out with my wonderful sisters whom I love immensely.

Encounter tonight. I'm excited. I love going there. The people are so nice and the atmosphere is relaxing. I don't talk to people as much as I'd like, but I'm shy. I wait for people to come up to me, which is bad and I need to work on that.

I'm going on the BCM mission trip this spring break. I'm going to help rebuild homes for victims of Hurricane Katerina. I'm actually quite proud of myself. I've never been on a mission trip before, but I know that helping other people is a much better use of my time than sitting at home sleeping all day, watching movies and fighting with my mom. At least this way someone is getting a better life out it and I might actually feel like I've done something good in my life.

Lots of homework to do and finish. It won't all get accomplished. That I can promise. Two short novels to read, a paper to fix and another to start and three pages of done by Tuesday morning and I haven't even started the research. I am officially claiming the title Queen of Procrastination. I deserve. I don't do anything until the last minute, or sometimes till it's too late. Not just in school too. In my social life as well. I wait and wait and wait, thinking that at some point everything will work out into the way that I want it to, but it never does. Then it's too late.

I'm starting to ramble, which means I should go get some food and start on this homework I have to do. Loads of fun headed my way. If you read this feel free to call and interrupt. Homework will not all get done. I've finally admitted that to myself.

Very uplifting...

2006-02-23T01:33:24Z

So, the last few days haven't been the greatest, but as I was skimming through the psalms in my Bible I came across one that lifted my spirts...

I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall makes its boast in the Lord; the humble shall of it and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and les up exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and He urged me, and delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed.
This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angle of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hungerl but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.
Come, you children, listen to mel I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Who is the man who desires life, and loves many days, that he may see good?
Keep your tounge from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry.
The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the rememberance of them from the earth.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hear, and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delievers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones; not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.

-Psalm 34

It sure helped me. I am lucky to have a Savior who shall hear my cries when they are in my heart where no one can hear. God is awesome.

Books! I LOVE BOOKS!!!

2006-02-21T05:53:37Z

Put it in bold if you've read it!
Italicize if you haven't!

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams
The Great Gatsby - F.Scott Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter 6) - J.K. Rowling
Life of Pi - Yann Martel-
Animal Farm: A Fairy Story - George Orwell
Catch 22- Joseph Heller
The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
1984 - George Orwell
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Book 3)
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold- I'd really like to!
Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson
A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Dune - Frank Herbert
The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexander Dumas
Notes from the Underground - Dostoevsky
The Silmarillion - J.R.R. Tolkien
The Witching Hour - Anne Rice
Night - Elie Wiesel
The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
And Then There Were None - Agatha Christie
Interview with a Vampire - Anne Rice
Ethan Frome - Edith Wharton
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
Three Kingdoms - Luo Guanzhong
Meditations - Marcus Aurelius
Leadership - Rudolph Giuliani
The Aeneid - Virgil
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
Million Little Pieces by James Frey
Heidi by Johanna Spyri
The Prince by Machavelli
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
Turn of the Screw by Henry James
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnagie

Add a couple!
Wicked - Gregory Maguire
The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
The Other Bolyen Girl - Philippa Gregory
The Borgia Bride - Jeanne Kalogridis
The Double - Dostoyevsky
The Brith of Venus - Sarah Dunant
A Northern Light - Jennifer Donnelly
Summer - Edith Wharton
Eugene Onegin - Pushkin
Crime and Punishment - Dostoyevsky <~~~~~My ALL TIME favoritve novel....EVER (я оченъ люблю русскую литературу!) I love russian literature a lot!
Anna Karenina - Tolstoy
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austin
Mirror, Mirror - Gregory Maguire
The Virgin's Lover - Philippa Gregory
Emma - Jane Austin
Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Greogry Maguire

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-15T00:56:29Z

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.
Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out

Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking

What turns you off: fighting and conflict

Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Happy Valentine's Day to all of my sisters and friends. I love you all so very much. You make me happier than anything else.

Sometimes you just have to get through the bad, and that's all you can ask for....

2006-02-13T05:51:18Z

I realize that it has been a long while since I have updated. I guess that I've just been really busy. It's been just over a week since I became an offical lifetime sister of Alpha Chi Omega and I couldn't be happier. These women are my soul, the missing link in my heart. I could not have found better girls had I looked my entire life.

This past weekend has not been one of my best. I got into a fight with my dad and then into a fight with my mom all in less than an hour. One right after the other to be precise. My mom continually knocks the fact that I'm in a sorority and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I asked her why she felt the need to lecture me for something that makes me happier than I have been in nearly 4 years. I wanted to know why she felt like trying to shred the one thing in my life that actually makes me happy and why she couldn't just be happy that I'm happy. She didn't have anything to say. I feel so much pent of anger towards my mom...my dad as well. I don't like it and I don't like who I become when I'm around them. I think I might start going to counselling. The emotions that I feel when I think about them are not normal and I'm tired of feeling that way.

On a brighter note...I was able to get Jess to come along to Encounter with me tonight. It was very interesting and Cindy did a wonderful job speaking. We taped pink hearts to our backs and went around writing on each other's hearts what we liked about them. It was nice to read what people had to say. Someone told me that I care a lot about my friends and that they love that so much about me. If they knew what I felt inside though maybe they wouldn't find me to be such a great person. Sorry, I'm heading to a downer again. I guess that means I should put this entry to a rest.

Good Days...

2006-01-28T22:14:30Z

Last night was sooo much fun. Blythe and I took Kim and Lauren out to dinner at Bellini's and then threw their new jerseys at them. I think that they are absolutely adorable! I love my Big!! Then we went back to the house and I talked to Kathy and Annie G. for an hour or so. Overall it was a good night.

About ten of us went to the Sugar Mill this morning for the Smart Cookie breakfast. We had a lot of fun making our pancakes and eating. It was really nice. Not to mention the car ride with Danielle and Val was quite entertaining. haha!

Katelyn is moving in tonight!!! YAY!! I'm so excited and we're both exciting that we can share clothes with each other (cause we're girly like that)! And initiation starts this Monday! YAY!! Super excited about that one!! Ahhh...I love when weekends are good...and this one is shaping up to be a great one!

Is That So Much to Ask?

2006-01-24T07:13:34Z

I'm beginning to get really frustrated with this whole guy issue. I know that I REALLY REALLY like him and that this is not just an ordinary little crush that girls get every other day. I've talked about it with people and I've thought about it for hours and hours. I've prayed about it and asked for guidance signs and assurance from God that what I'm feeling is not just ordinary. Everything I see just leads me right back to him. People who know us both think we'd be perfect for each other, like Katie for instance, but I still don't want to take that leap of faith and tell him when I know very well that he could break my heart and then of course lose his friendship as well. Why does love have to be so difficult? Why can't the guy (or girl if you're a guy) just be ready for you when you are and then everything will, not necessarily be perfect, but be wonderful and full of love and change and growing within eachother and yourself. I don't want the fairytale so to speak. I know there will be problems and obstacles, but I want the passion and the sparks. I want the faith in each other and God that everything will be ok if you just believe in what you know in your heart to be right. Now really, I ask you, is that so much to ask?

Life is Good

2006-01-23T06:15:16Z

So, this weekend has been totally wonderful. I've had such and amazing time with everyone that I've gotten to hang out with. My weekend goes like this:

Friday: Sat in the Chapter room with Jen, Dyleeng and Sarah (Jen's roomie) and watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Jen and Dyleeng were Dri Chi so we had to stop a couple times to take people places or pick them up, but we had so much fun. We dubbed the car the Alpha Chi Bus since we managed to squeeze 10 of us into it and Dyleeng and I downed an entire medium pizza from Domino's in like 5 minutes flat. We all got Slurppies from 7-11 and talked for what seemed like hours. It was sooooooo much fun!

Saturday: I had brunch with Blythe and then two of us went to Special T's to get stuff for our paddles!! (yay for paddles!!) and then I came back and worked on it for a couple hours. Then we had the Newbie/Sophomore night and I was served dinner by some AWESOME sophomore cooks. Then we Mexicanized ourselves into cars and road down Woodland to Clay Pigeon and painted pottery which I can't wait for it to be ready to pick up!

Sunday: I got to steal my Daddy's new car for the day and use it. It's sooo nice!! Blythe and I went to Wally World and I got more paint and decorations for my paddle. I came back to Stetson and FINISHED my paddle (oh I'm so excited to give it to Lauren!!!). Then there was Chapter tonight which was fine. After Chapter I went to the Wesley house where Adam had invited me to go to Encounter which is an informal worship service. I met a lot of very nice people and had a great experience listening to Adam speak about God. If there is one thing that I recognize it's that God as done and amazing thing by putting Adam into my life. He was absolutely AMAZING tonight! I've just spent the last few hours with Dyleeng and Jen and KP eating MORE pizza and talking and getting Jen and Sarah situated in their new room in Conrad. They live right down the hall from me now, YAY!!!!

Since God is so amazing and has done everything in my life that I have reason to be thankful for I guess it's only fitting that I thank in for the amazing weekend that I had and the wonderful people that I have been blessed to have in my life. I love you all so much and can't imagine spending one more day without having you in my life!!!!!!!

Because I knew you...I have been changed for good...

2006-01-17T02:50:50Z

So, I'm going through this feeling right now where I am very scared about the path that one of my closest friendships is taking. I feel as if our relationship is becoming more and more one sided and that I'm doing all of the work in order to try and keep us as close as we were. When I claim someone as my best friend I am claiming them as Sister or Brother in everything but blood and my bond with them on my part is fiercer and stronger than any other and when I feel like that bond is being severed by that person or due in part to forces that surround that person I begin to feel as if my world is falling apart. I don't know how to cope and I don't know what to do. I attempt everything I can in hopes of retying the bond we had created. Now, as I feel my world beginning to dissolve around me I find myself once again faced with a question that I had believed I never would, "Who is this person?" I no longer know them and they appear to no longer see me. I smile, I call, I email and IM, but they are always too busy something always comes up and yet it is deemed I that am the problem and I that am not trying and am letting go. I do not understand. I am told that I am talking behind their back and no best friend would do that, but how can I hold onto a friendship and keep that bond tight if there is no one on the other end doing the same? I worry about who they are becoming and what they are doing and who they are with because I know that it is unlike them to blow off or forget. I know the kindness in their heart and I know the beauty of their soul, but slowly and surely they are slipping away no matter how I try to grasp them. I was warned that this might happen, but I never thought it would, not to us at least. We were too close to be torn. We knew each others thoughts before said and feelings without speaking and yet it happens. Right before my eyes I see them morph and change and get torn away from me and for my part I can do nothing but cry out for them and hold on with all my strength even as I feel the bonds of love and sisterhood slip through my fingers.

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